It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
