I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
