I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize