How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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