i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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