Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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