Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
