I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
