I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I accidentally had phone sex last night
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
