Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
