For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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