Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My breasts were aching with rage.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
