she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
