I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
