Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
