I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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