So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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