even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
