she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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