birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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