I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she told me i tasted like america
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
