I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
