He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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