Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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