Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
