I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
