if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
