My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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