I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
