Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
