The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize