So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
