Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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