Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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