Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
