Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
