Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
