look no pants
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
