hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Randomize