oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
