Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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