nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
