I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
