Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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