I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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