Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
