6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
