RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
