I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I wish there were birth control emojis
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
