I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
