and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
