She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
