my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
