Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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