sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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