well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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