If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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