The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize