I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
