this beer tastes like vomit already
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
