K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
My penis needs a shock collar
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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